I apparently, no I definitely, have a problem with authority. It isn’t a conscious decision most of the time; I just think I know what is right. Most of the time, I acquiesce and do what I am told. Sometimes, though, I fight it, hard. After several weeks of frustration and confusion, I came to the realization that I was having trouble accepting God’s ideas over my own. I have been trying to negotiate with God about what obedience looks like. I didn’t realize that I had put so much time and effort into talking God out of His plan. It has wreaked havoc in so many different areas of my life. Thinking it through, I realize that my conversations with God often go a lot like this:
God: “I have called you – follow me.”
Me: “Absolutely – with my heart and soul – as soon as I ……”
God: “I meant follow me now.”
Me: “Right, okay, sure, but did You know that…..”
God: “I know all things. Trust me. Trust my plan.”
Me: “Of course, could you just show me how Your plan works? Could you give me a sneak peek into how this all comes together?”
God: “Trust me.”
Me: “But, but, but…..”
God: “I’m waiting. Let me know when you are ready.”
Me: “Good deal. I’ll just spend some time trying to do it in my own strength and then I’ll come back weeping and beg You to fix it.”
God: “I know. And I’ll be here.”
Me – months later – “I tried and failed, and tried and failed, and tried and failed. So I’m here asking for forgiveness, for strength, for encouragement, for a reminder of what You said the first time. Through my tears I’m begging You to be You so that I can rest in You.”
God: “Rest in me. You are loved. Find the truths I have given you in my word. Then, follow me.” (in other words – (in sarcastic font) – get up off your rear end and do what I told you to do and I will do what I said I would do.)
Sound familiar to anyone? I know what God wants me to do, but it doesn’t quite fit into my plans so I try to convince Him He’s wrong. Or, I know what He wants, but I don’t understand how to make it happen, so I ask question after question and present all of the why nots. I know He can be trusted. I know His plans are better. I know His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. Even knowing these things, I have a hard time surrendering to His authority.
Over and over and over again, He has shown me that His ways are better. One of the biggest examples is leading us to Ruidoso. I fought for going to Santa Fe instead of Ruidoso. Rich believed that God had called us to Ruidoso. I thought they were both crazy. There isn’t a day that goes by now that I am not grateful we ended up in Ruidoso. I could write a book filled with examples of how His ideas are better than mine. What matters more though, is how I react this time. This post, this new website, all of it is a part of what God is calling me to do. He is asking me to put myself out there and be honest with my struggles and open about the things many keep hidden. I am taking the next steps in fulfilling my dream of being an author and a speaker – in addition to my comfortable role as teacher. If you would like to be a part of this whole deal – click the follow button or the sign up for e-mail button on the side of the blog (from a computer) or scroll all the way down on your phone. Thank you for being a part of my dream.